You know what?
Today I needed something from you
I shouldn't have had to say it
It shouldn't have mattered that it wasn't a big deal to you
This is not your life
This is mine
I can't react the same way you do
It was a big deal to me
I felt things that I had tried to keep controlled
Unraveling before my eyes
There was so much
That I keep private
Suddenly out in the open
And you... you failed me
You left me alone
With no one to talk to

I want... to be less selfish

I want a passion to do something to help others
I want compassion for those around me

I want to focus less on me for once

I want to have faith in the goodness of people
I want the determination to make things change
I want the dedication to help those less fortunate

I want to be a better person than this world dictates I should

I want to feel

What do I want?

Hell if I know...

It never matters what I want anyways... so why bother asking?

I don't know why... but recently I just alternate between apathy and this crushing loneliness that sometimes just gets a little too difficult.

It's ok to be alone, but it's not ok to feel alone... this devastating realization of waking up, standing in the dark and wondering where everyone went.

The more I talk about things, the more alone I feel and the more my grasp on reality seems to be slipping.

It seems almost... too much to bear sometimes... suppress suppress suppress...

I want to be around people... and yet part of me can't stand it...

I think I just need to retreat... back into my shell for a bit... and let the world pass me by. With time, all things will get better hopefully.

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this

So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

I haven't been a good person recently..
I haven't been a good friend
I haven't been a good roomate
I haven't been a good sister...
I haven't been a good student...
I've been selfish, self absorbed, pathetic, needy and lonely...

Something has to change... I don't like who I am right now :(

sighz... sometimes.... no... most of the time... I feel so very alone in this world.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Note to self: Grow the fuck up.

"I'm Still Here"

I found the pieces in my hand
They were always there
It just took some time for me to understand
You gave me words I just can't say
So if nothing else
I'll just hold on while you drift away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The cities grow
The rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
Still here

Seeing the ashes in my heart
The smile the widest
When I cry inside and my insides blow apart
I tried to wear another face
Just to make you proud
Just to make you put me in my place
But everything you wanted from me
Is everything that I could never be

The cities grow
The rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here

Maybe tonight
It's gonna be alright
I will get better
Maybe today
It's gonna be okay
I will remember

I held the pieces of my soul
I was shattered and I wanted you to come and make me whole
When I saw you yesterday
But you didn't notice
And you just walked away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The cities grow
The rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
The lights go out, the bridges burn
Once you're gone, you can't return
But I'm still here
Remember how you used to say I'd be the one to runaway
But I'm still here

I think my dreams are even more messed up than I am as a person... stupid dreams...

I was fine being my miserable self until this year and then I began to hope for something better and now I can't go back to being in that suppressed state anymore... I can't shove myself back into that little safe box anymore and its frustrating...

No one seems to have the answers that I'm looking for and all the responses I get just feel like slaps in the face or weights added onto a tired back...

There are times where I wish that I could just... be held and loved... and sleep forever...

reality is so much more difficult...

In the past two months:

1) I have learned that my professor considers me depressed and recommends that I seek psychiatric help.

2) I have taken steps towards asking someone out and been rejected (TWICE) because goodness knows failure deserves a second try.

3) I have gotten in trouble with the Dean and am currently on his shitlist.

4) I have been pulled over by a cop and given a 150 dollar ticket.

6) Have become quite ill off of 1.5 beers, leading me to the conclusion that I may be allergic to alcohol.

7) I have purchased a $350 digital camera and been scammed by an online photo company, forcing me to cancel all my credit cards, etc.

I just don't seem to have the best luck in life.

I'm a mess... going nuts... and I can't do this anymore...
What the heck is wrong with me?